lonely irony

I took a walk by myself.

I smelt the wet air, morning dew mixed with fresh raindrops. The roads still damp from the earlier downpour. The roadlamps that lit my path yellow. They seemed so solitary in their existence.

My sudden desire to walk in the pouring rain. A plan foiled by Heaven itself. The last drops hit the ground just before I stepped out.

But I went nonetheless.

I wanted time alone, but yet I didn’t want to be alone. The irony of being me.

I wanted to be with him, and yet I didn’t want to go over the same mundane domestic affairs again. Somehow nothing much else pops up these days.

I guess I just wanted… liberation.

A time and place to be me. Unrestrained carefree me.

I didn’t know where my feet were taking me. I just walked on. Tuned in to my music, I walked wherever there were pathways. I saw everything, and yet nothing.

Every few steps I took, I worried if Boy would wake for his pre-dawn feed.

Or if I should manually extract the milk when I got home.

That maybe I should just hop on a taxi and go for a hot mocha by the seaside. An old haunt of mine whenever I felt a need to escape.

How funny that despite my urge to run away, I still had a ton of concerns weighing me down.

So that’s what they meant by you’d never be the same after you become a mother.

I kept contemplating to seek solace in the familiar, but yet something was holding me back, telling me that I shouldn’t go.

And so I didn’t.

I wanted to feel like myself by taking a walk. But the longer I walked, the less like myself I felt. There were brief moments where I felt 18 again. Minutes where I was transported to 2004. But it all snaps back to reality before I had the chance to indulge in the flashback.

There was too much on my mind. Where is the girl who would do what she wished? Now it takes an hour to decide on just having a hot mocha, and at the end of it all, never even happened.

I hailed a cab to come home. By the roadside too near to the house. I have no idea why my feet headed there to begin with. But the images that surfaced in my mind along the entire stretch of road… of you and me. So close to the heart, but yet so distant.

Swapping seats by the petrol kiosk, with me behind the wheel. You always made me feel like I was in-charge, when you were always the mastermind. I was silly that way. All our suppers in that area. And the times we just stopped the car at some random spot simply because we didn’t want to go home. No such luxury ever again.

You and I could never be the same again. Ever.

And maybe that’s what’s been hurting me in a way I didn’t even realise.

There simply wasn’t enough time for me to relish you as you were, and now you’re already someone new.

And it is no one’s fault except my own.

Maybe all I need is just one day to pretend that Boy doesn’t even exist. So that nothing would hold me back and hold me down. Just to be that unbridled me again.

I still can’t figure out what is wrong. But we all just know something is. Can’t you see it coming?

The culmination to my ultimate surrender.

I need my brave facade now. Hide my face behind the mask I wore for so long before.

Maybe it was never a wise choice to build your life around one person.

I was meant to have two loves, but why do I feel like having a new one robbed me of the old one?

I could never learn to be selfless. Some people can never learn.


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