flawed

I know I shouldn’t have picked up the book and reaffirm what I’ve known all this while. Especially not before bedtime. And now these feelings of frustration and desperation are back to plague me for the rest of the night.

Whatever that’s been mentioned, I’ve reassessed on my own (way before I even knew such a book existed) and cut them all out to the best of my ability. And I am proud to say a bulk of them are currently non-existent. But somehow things didn’t change. It didn’t get worse, but it certainly didn’t improve either.

I’ve been as patient as I could, and I would swear no one has even seen me being this nice. Non-critical, supportive, understanding and patient. Let’s just call it a privilege I’m willing to extend to improve the fucked-up situation.

But still, discussions can’t be held with someone who turns defensive and storms out midway. Even when there had been no confrontations and accusations.

What happens is so blatant that I couldn’t have misinterpreted it.

How can there be any compromise when there is no conducive response from the other party 90% of the time?

What can one do to elicit some sort of useful response when the other can only say “I don’t know” or “Let me think about it” without ever coming back with conclusion?

It takes two to tango. Two hands to clap. I can’t force things to go my way. Just like simply wishing the problem to go away wouldn’t help.

But what am I to do if the other person doesn’t wish to cooperate most of the time? Or if things revert back to the same old shit after several short stints of improvement?

There is nothing I can do. And honestly, nothing that I wish to do anymore. I’ve tried so long and hard that I’m just tired of it all. I’ve done it the nice way, the hard way, the ultimatum way, and almost every way one could possibly do without breaking the law and the sanctity of the situation.

I can’t even begin to count the number of times I wanted to just shove it and walk away from all this.

But despite having given up hope at least a hundred times of things ever improving, I still trudged on, wishing for a miracle to happen with whatever little patience I have left with keeping myself up to expectations.

I’ve maintained my cheerful happy-go-lucky appearance, even though deep down inside I’m crumbling faster than a pile of burning ashes.

It’s not because it doesn’t hurt. It’s just that the pain is there all the time that I’ve learnt to live with it. After a while, the pain just becomes a constant numbness, like an aching back that we all eventually learn to cope with and go on about our daily lives.

Once in a while, it haunts me. With increased intensity each time it does. That is when I have to indulge myself to wallow in the misery, doubt and hurt. Then take a step back to look at the big picture, and with baited breath, pick up from where I left off.

Things are only “good” because I’ve been keeping myself in check and mum about all the wrong that is going on. But somehow it just seems as if all that has gone unappreciated and been taken granted for.

I wonder how long I can keep up this charade. How long before I give up for good? How long before I can no longer find even a molecule of it within me to try anymore? How much longer til I finally get rid of the rose-tinted glasses for good and see things as the way they are and will probably remain forever?

I do not know.

But I am going to give this one more shot. To “do things even if I don’t feel like it” as how the book suggests. Just once more, before I throw in the white flag and walk away to allow myself to be the person I always was.

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