redundant existence

I held my finger on the button to keep the elevator door open and he, by default, kept a firm hand onto the side of the door to prevent it from closing.

“Eh, you make my holding on to the ‘door open’ button redundant leh.”

“Sorry. Bad habit.”

“But you make me so redundant. Or yourself so redundant. Is there is serious need to hold the door open when I am pressing on the damn button?”

“Why? Do you suddenly find your life redundant now that you are no longer breastfeeding?”

Something inside me snapped, and the water dam in my eyes broke.

Regardless of the crowd in the mall, the rowdy festive atmosphere all around me, I let my eyes turn red and well up with tears.

I couldn’t hold it back. And truth be told, I didn’t want to.

That statement hurt. Whether or not he had meant for it to be interpreted in the way that I did.

Yes, my mothering work is now redundant, because I am no longer a source of nutrition for my son.

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4 thoughts on “redundant existence

  1. Hmm so different between us. I was GLAD when she finally stopped bfing…

    shell says: I guess it’s because you were BF-ing her for years, yet in my case I haven’t really had the chance to fully relish the bond from nursing… But I think telling myself that having non-leaky breasts isn’t that bad a thing. Though it doesn’t seem to be working… 😆

  2. Don’t say that too, we both know mothering is definitely more than bfing alone… it’s so much more.

    shell says: But I cannot deny that it does make me feel a little more redundant than before. 😦

  3. stop feeling guilty la (hugs), it’s not your fault that your son is not really a milk baby to begin with and he partly caused the milk supply to dwindle earlier than you would have liked. anyway bottle feeding can be a cuddling, loving time like nursing, he doesnt have to be left alone holding the bottle himself 🙂

    shell says: I have been feeling an extreme need to cuddle him more since I stopped BF-ing. Hiak hiak.

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