I know exactly how to draw myself out from this pain I didn’t even know existed until 2 nights ago. The question is: Should I do it?
I cried so hard on Friday night, it scared the hell out of me. It reminded me of a period not too long ago when I could barely muster up any expression or emotions towards anything.
And whenever any emotion showed, it usually overflowed and built up into a tsunami of crying and screaming pain, sadness, anger, frustration and disbelief.
I don’t want to be back in that hole again. No. I don’t want to be almost crazy again. I don’t want meds. I don’t want to sit in the psychiatrist’s office again.
It scares me how I managed to keep everything under wraps in my subconsciousness, until I was hurting all over inside but I didn’t even know why. I felt hate, but I had no idea towards what or who. It was all buried six feet underneath me, groping and gasping to surface and haunt me.
I was tearing my hair literally, and banging on my skull with my fists. The headache that had been around since last Saturday never left. Panadol brought no relief, and oddly, I had a can of beer last night at the annual Mid-Autumn family gathering and my head never felt better.
Like I said, I needed beer.
If there’s anyone in this world who would know what I needed most, it would be me. Followed closely by Hubs.
My self-healing methods may be bordering on unorthodox, but I don’t really give a shit as long as it works to take the pain away for good.
Right now, I’m in the scabbing stage. Everything is ugly and it will take time for things to seem more normal again. Meanwhile, just keep the beer, smokes and love coming. Some shopping for pretty and affordable things wouldn’t hurt either.
Just… give me some time to heal over.
Then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be brave enough to give “life” another shot again.