I can’t sleep.

So here I am. I can be so predictable at times that it shits me. I would love to be elusive and mysterious, but being a creature of habit, it’s quite an impossible mission.

The thing about being in the emotional situation that I am at right now, is how sleep patterns get utterly screwed up. On Sunday evening, I was so undescribably tired that I couldn’t do more than to sit stagnant. I slept a ridiculous 15 hours from 2am to 5pm — the longest sleep I had in recent months — and still awoke completely drained.

Right now, despite my unexplainable tiredness and how much I wish I could just sleep and be oblivious to all that is running through my mind, I simply cannot achieve it.

To say I am feeling fucked up would be an understatement.

Once again, the feet feels a tremendous urge to just step out of the house and walk. A long walk to nowhere in particular, but just to feel the pre-dawn breeze on my face and have the sound of my footsteps reverberate through the quiet streets.

Oh how I hate this yoyo-ing feeling of being alright one moment, and completely screwed over next.

All it took was a couple of twitches to drive my mental state into overdrive.

On the bright side, I did my manicure a few hours ago because we have a wedding dinner to attend in the evening. Seeing my pretty nails at least work to cheer me up for about a nanosecond. It’s at least something to perk up this materialistic shallow soul of mine. That is, if I still have a soul.

I want to pull out of going to the wedding dinner, because I don’t to see anyone. I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I have to smile and socialise when all I want to do is curl up at home and not have to put on any false fronts. But I have to be there.

There is a new urge to get inked. I feel I have to put a permanent remembrance of all that I have lost. Some research for ideas would work well as a distraction as well. But the only thing that happened was my tears falling with each webpage I come across. I may do hearts, I may do tiny footprints, I don’t know yet.

I am also contemplating a cross on my inner right wrist as well, but once again, I am quite certain most tattoo artists would turn down the job. I always wanted to do a symbolic tattoo in my inner wrist as a reminder never to cut myself again.

I just know right now, whatever it is that I want to ink on myself, I need to do it soon as a closure to all that has happened. It is tiring to put up a false face with Joshua just so that he wouldn’t get affected by me. I don’t want to remind him of his unhappy memories because he is already angry at me for what happened.

I thank all those who contacted me via MSN and SMS to show me their concern. Sorry if I do not respond. I don’t know how to explain how I am feeling, and honestly, I don’t want to explain even if I could. I should be fine soon, and if I’m not, well… I don’t know. We’ll just let time tell.


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