I recently started wondering why I still keep buying and buying stuff when I already have almost everything. And today, I think I finally arrived at the answer.
I think… I keep buying cheap stuff hoping to overwrite the things I truly want.
Like… that driving license I had wanted to get since I turned 18. That I could have gotten if I didn’t have to spend my money on something else that someone else should have paid for or at least shared the costs with me.
Like… that diamond that was promised to me years ago.
Like… that LV pochette I had wanted since I was 14 and all the Ah Lians were toting around.
Like… an Ed Hardy item. Until now, I could only afford an “inspired” tee that no longer fits me anymore.
Using back the same analogy I gave in my previous post regarding this matter: It’s like you’re craving a particular food, but can’t have it. So you stuff yourself with whatever other food you have access to, but at the end of the day, still feel unsatisfied despite having your stomach close to bursting.
It’s a very lousy feeling indeed.
Suddenly everything looks so bleak, and I wonder what I am doing with my life. What I have now is nothing close to what I had intended.
I had wanted to get a driving license, buy myself a Volkswagen Beetle, and travel to Sydney and Perth. I wanted to have a bachelorette pad, an active social life, a gym membership, frequent coffee time at Starbucks by myself. And how I relish it every time I get to sneak to Starbucks on my lonesome.
I don’t have big dreams. I don’t even wonder about travelling to Europe or Japan. I just want Australia. But even that… seems so hard to achieve now.
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with my life now. Except to do whatever that is required of me daily. No plans. Don’t know how to plan it and not fuck up someone else’s life. Don’t know what to do anymore.
And I feel so tired of it. I think the great thing about being single, is how you never have to worry about how your decisions would affect someone else. Less considerations, less people to worry about.