Even though Hubs had decided to try for another baby since a couple of months back, I had swayed almost daily. That was until I did find out I was pregnant a few days after he had made his decision.
I had private posts about the pregnancy and its progress, because he said he was “not time” to announce it. And on 1st September, we had a miscarriage. The baby was around 7 weeks old, so I didn’t need surgery to remove the remaining tissue, but it was still a painful process nonetheless.
The event triggered an internal struggle with all that I am, and it all overflowed and caused some miniature personal crisis within me.
On Sunday, we went to the Holistic Weekend at Fort Canning to visit dearest neurotic Uncle Henry. The old man sponsored a Theta Healing session for me and, God, I didn’t think I would break down and cry during the session, but cry I did.
I was asked to call upon the “higher being” of my mother (who is long deceased therefore I am unable to confront her directly) and request for her apology towards all that she had embedded into my subconsciousness and indirectly fucked me up.
Despite how crazy it might sound to the disbelieving person who is probably thinking I am cuckoo, it worked. I pretty much yelled at my mother’s “higher being” and told her how much she’s screwed me up due to her insatiable expectations of me. She didn’t say a word, smiled at me, and took me in her arms. OK, I took that as an apology because I know how hard it was for my mother to say a simple “sorry”.
And the next day, I strangely made up my mind finally to go ahead and try for a second child. I suddenly found the courage to try, and possibly run the risk of having another crippling miscarriage again.
I thought about all the other reasons that had previously been holding me back. A bigger flat? More money to go around? My possible full-time career as a writer? Seriously, none of those seemed more important than a younger sibling for Joshua, and selfishly, for us to have more of that parenting joy that we enjoy so much.
Although, yes, I think I do need to confirm with Joshua if he still wants a sibling. The miscarriage took its toll on him as well, and he developed a fear about losing another baby. From totally enthusiastic, he had started to shake his head vigorously when we asked if he was still keen on having a sibling. He said he was scared.
I remembered the way he yelled in disbelief when our gynae did an ultrasound scan for me, and announced that she couldn’t see much and that we would possibly be having a miscarriage soon. If he could speak, he would probably have said: “No! I don’t believe you! Mommy said we were having a baby!”
For two weeks, he thought I had lied to him and refused to let me hold him. He would even shake his head and frown whenever I asked him if he loved me. It was like adding fuel to the fire, and I swear my heart literally broke.
It was equally heartbreaking when everyone at the Mid-Autumn gathering and wedding dinner was asking when we’ll be having #2. I was always so close to blurting out that we just lost one and that they should just shut the fuck up.
Hubs was wonderful though. Supportive as he always is, and even took 2 days off so he could be at home with us to get over it together.
I also must give thanks to those who were in the know and provided their support and listening ears. I can get really whiny when I’m in emotional turmoil.
Now, things are back to normal. Joshua is happy again, and he is back to loving me. And yes, I think he may be ready for a sibling again. He was cooing at a newborn just a couple of days ago, and giving me that cheeky smile that he always wore when he wanted something. (He also wants some pet fish but I told him he can have those when he’s 5 or something.)
I had purchased some maternity wear during the recent pregnancy, and have put them away in storage in their original packaging. But now, I am going to bring them out again because I believe I will get pregnant soon enough. Hubs was against me packing them away in the first place because he said we’ll need them very soon again. So rarely optimistic of him. 🙂
I even took the bold step to purchase a couple more maternity bottoms because I put on 3kg within that 7 weeks of pregnancy and I almost didn’t fit into any of my existing bottoms! I am still shocked at how fast I piled on the weight despite throwing up most of what I ate.
Wish us luck as we head back to the bedroom and try for another little bundle of miracle and joy! Can you imagine having another cute baby to ogle at on my blog?