Beyond myself.

I love you so much, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Tell me.

Don’t say everything is okay.
Don’t say you love me the way I am.
Something is not right.

Every time this happens,
it is me.
Me who pushes you to the edge.
Me who caused the agony in the first place.

I want to hate you.
Be mad at you.
Be selfish.
Then everything would be easier on me.

But after half a beer and three cigarettes,
it is myself whom I hate.
Am I truly unworthy?

If I could love you less
for every single time I feel I should
I would have no feelings for you by now.
And I wish I did.

To walk away ever so gracefully from this mess.
But I love you too much
and that
is my biggest flaw, my weakness.

You could never be a replacement
because replacements don’t take
so big a chunk of my heart
that it hurts to even think about it.

But damn
the hurt you give
makes me feel so alive.
I know I am human
and capable of loving
only you.

But I really really wish I didn’t.
I do not know for sure
if you would ever hurt the same way for me.

I want to run.
From you
from being vulnerable to you.
Only because
I cannot bear the thought of having you leave first.


One thought on “Beyond myself.

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