Almost every night for the past few weeks since being sperminated, I’ve had no trouble feeling tired by 11pm everyday, and getting cosy in bed by 3am. Most days, I’m totally knocked out by 2am.
But now it’s 5.56am, my prenatal checkup is 10.45am, and I am still awake.
Not because I am not tired, but because… I think I’m scared.
The benchmark for my pregnancy to be viable – and for all human pregnancies – is to go past the 12 week mark. And until we can go past the 12 week mark, I get into occasional tenterhooks about whether this one will make it.
Not very optimistic, I agree, but when you’ve been through pregnancy loss, you’ll understand how I feel.
I had wanted to keep mum about this pregnancy until we were into the 2nd trimester, like what superstitious expectant parents usually adhere to. But knowing myself, and my unfounded concerns towards each of my pregnancies, I need this space – MY virtual space – to let go of these worries and fears when I want to.
If I had to list one thing that was most difficult for me when I was having Joshua, it would be how I had no woman-friend who could understand my occasional anxiety that something would go wrong.
And now that I am pregnant again, that feeling sometimes creeps up on me and I would be left feeling… alone.
So yes, here I am, spitting out my fears and hoping everything will be just fine. Everything.will.be.fine.