Forgetfulness: his bane, my boon.
If I could forget everything I ever wanted to, my life would be a happy soppy mess and I would never have to feel like crap again.
It takes somewhat of a mustered effort to pull me out from feeling miserable, yet barely any devious planning required to just kick me back into the murky depths. All you need to do is to forget something, and then let it quietly slip past until you think it’s been buried deep under the daily humdrum. Some things, you just can’t go back and make amends.
But hey, people don’t care. (And I’m not asking you to.)
I’ll be mighty fine to be left alone to rot in the dark crevices of my own depressed being; my soul slowly melting away in the fires stoked by the unrequited.
Most people won’t understand what it feels like, and in the goodness of my soul, I hope you will never have to experience it. It’s like having something quietly eat away at your soul while you’re trying to live out your daily life, until one day you are nothing but a shell of a person; unable to feel joy or excitement any longer.
I just wish there was some way I could make him understand what this feels like, so that he would stop inflicting it on me. And if I could, I would like him to suffer alone in this pitiful state just like how I have had to endure it for the last few years.
Yes, I can be very vindictive.
A person is unable to fully commiserate until they have felt the same emotions gnawing away at them. And the reason how he can constantly cause the damage – unwittingly or otherwise – is because he has never experience this sensation for himself.
You only know how bad it is when you have felt it yourself. And after all these years, I am convinced he will never understand what this feels like.
If I could go back and choose again, I would never choose to repeatedly put myself in this forlorn situation. But time doesn’t turn back, and people don’t change. So what should I do now?
Other than sucking it up and pretending like I can live with it, I really don’t see how else I can do anything.
If there was no law against murder, I can tell you there probably would have been another corpse lying out there in the cold tonight. Heartlessly and thoughtlessly murdered out of the years’ of pent up frustration.
It wouldn’t have been a pretty sight.
This doesn’t end here; because I still have tears to cry and heart left to break. They say it finally ends when you feel nothing anymore. I wonder when that will be for me.