The guilty conscience of a mother.

How you would feel if you woke up in the morning, and your son asks you “Mama, go gai-gai (walk walk)?” and you have to say no?

No amount of money is worth my time away from my kids, but yet I have to do it to make sure they can have the best of what I can offer.

As much as I am eternally grateful towards my in-laws, my uncle and Hubs for offering their babysitting services while I take time off to complete my work, the money is just not worth it.

Not worth seeing Joshua’s disappointed pout when I have to delay our daily walk around the neighbourhood; or the disgruntledness when the walk has to be cancelled because it started pouring just as I was wrapping up my work.

Not worth it seeing how deliriously happy he is when I spare some time to cuddle, read and just spend time with him; when otherwise I can see he is struggling to not come and bother me for little things.

I am only glad for whatever help that is rendered, and for having such an independent and understanding little boy. He is truly no longer a baby. He is a boy who can understand what I am working for, and tries his best to accommodate my need to work in peace.

I could never love him enough, and I can only try to look further into the future when I can afford to give him (and Keegan) more out of life with the hard work I am putting in now.

But meanwhile, I just want to cry for not being able to be there spending his favorite weekends with him.


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