And it haunts me.

I finally understand what it is that I’ve been feeling since last week: a potent mixture of anger and disappointment, laced with an hint of feeling duped.

Put simply, you mean I’ve held out for 9 fucking months just to have another fucking C-section?! All whilst still caring for Joshua full-time?! Whilst constantly believing that natural birth would happen naturally for me this time since the whole process is called “natural birth”?!?!

Fucking hell, I feel damn fucking cheated.

Another 9 long fucking months, and this is where I end up again?! This time with 2 kids to watch over, more mess to clean up courtesy of Joshua’s toddler curiosity (and defiance), with the fucking incision area being more sore and painful than the first time. FUCK LAH.

Now I realise why I haven’t felt a need to pray for anything since Keegan was born. Because I had prayed so fervently and believed that my prayers would be answered. Yet, no. I still got cut up like a slab of meat because natural childbirth just didn’t come naturally to me. Somehow everyone’s cervix can dilate til 10cm, but mine just gets stuck at 4cm. TWICE.

And because of the two c-sections I’ve had, I will never get to have a natural birth in this life. No doctor would allow it.

I feel like my life as a mother is incomplete because the process of bringing my children to this world was, once again, through an unnatural method of gutting up the mother to retrieve the baby.

It’s gonna take a long long time before I get over this. Because I will henceforth not even be able to dream about redoing things by having a third child. Because somehow, my body just wasn’t made to work in that normal way it was supposed to.

I really really hate the position that I’m in now. And yet there’s fuck-all I can do about it. Fuck My Life.

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One thought on “And it haunts me.

  1. Reading this post, actually make me feel a tad sad. At least u hv the chance of getting pregnant and having 2 beautiful boys. Natural birth or not is just the process, at least ur product is 2 cute baby. I really really envy you 🙂

    Btw due to medical reason, i cannot have any children thus the 感触.

    Heh, know tat someone is actually envy of your life yah ~

    shell says: I guess there will always be someone envious of someone else’s situation. Like how I envy those who can have natural birth without a hitch, ppl who cannot conceive would in turn be envious that I can at least have kids. *sigh*

    I’m still thankful for being able to having these 2 boys. Just that I wish I was the one who actually worked hard to bring them into this world. A mother’s satisfaction, I guess. 🙂

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