Progress much?

It seems natural that through the years, people progress. But for each step everyone else takes forward, it seems as though I’m only going two steps back.

Most of my peers are now earning enough to qualify for credit cards. I haven’t found a single one who doesn’t.
Almost all the females have at least one luxury brand bag.
They have credentials in their CV.
They’ve all progressed somewhere in some sense.

But me?

Six years ago I was shopping predominantly from Zara.
Three years ago, it became Dorothy Perkins.
Now, Cotton On is the only store that I can afford anything from.
Even then, I have to think twice, thrice, before I buy anything.

Not only have I not progressed in any sense, I’ve regressed.

I’ve not gained anything over the years;
except maybe a wee bit of parenting wisdom and a sprinkling of coerced maturity.
But the tangible stuff? Virtually nada.

It’s come to a point where dreams have died, and there isn’t even any will left to dream.
The future looks bleak, as though it’s just going to spiral downwards to further regression.
Logically, my life doesn’t look like it’s ever going to get better.
Not with the 2 kids, and the amount of money required to upkeep them as they get older.

Like how Keegan loves jumping, and how much I want to get a jumperoo for him, but we really can’t work out the finances to get it. And how Joshua saw the ad for Hong Kong Disneyland while watching Playhouse Disney, and asked if we could go see Mickey. I could only tell him we’re trying our hardest to bring him there. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Someone asked me what I want for my birthday this year. I could only think of two things:
a) Creative Vado HD – so I have a decent videocam to film the kids’ antics.
b) an upright chest freezer to store my breastmilk

It’s not that I no longer hanker for pretty things all fashion. It’s just that… *sigh* What’s the point? I’m just confined here within these four walls 99% of the time anyway. Nobody even gets to see my mop of hair except for the mama-shop owner (and the other shops we have to walk past to get to the mama-shop.)

The blog categories “Food Fiesta”, “Great Getaways” and “Orgasmic Obsessions”… They’ve had no input for the longest time. I no longer want to obsess about anything, since they mostly end up being empty dreams anyway, and I have no idea when the next “great getaway” will come. As for food, if it fills us up, it’s a meal.

It was really not nice hearing from someone that Batam is a disgusting place to go for a holiday. Why didn’t we go to Japan or Australia or something. But to me, Batam was the greatest ever. We didn’t have to worry about stuff being too expensive, and I didn’t have to go home wishing I was the proud owner of a new something-something. It was all laidback with no worries. Everything was within what we could afford, and that felt great.

Maybe I’ve learnt to settled for whatever I can get, or maybe I just don’t know good from bad anymore.

I only know, dreams just stay as dreams, until my good Lord works His wonders. If there’s anything that He has taught me well over the years, it would be patience. I’m still no expert at it, but at least I now know how to wait.

Shalom, my Lord told me. And Shalom it shall be. He says my time will come. Now’s just the storm, and after it, all will be calm and gorgeous with a rainbow in the sky.


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