I want YOU back.

The YOU
who put my hand on his heart
and said
“My heart beats for you.”

The YOU
who would stare so awkwardly into my eyes
and bore right through to my heart
just to see if you were the only man in there.

The YOU
who never failed to whip out your Zippo
the moment I put a cig to my lips
like how a (smoking) gentleman would.

The YOU
who used to always
say “I love you”
while keeping your eyes locked with mine.

The YOU
who was always
patient, loving, understanding
nary a raised note at me.

The YOU
who wrapped your arms around me
smell my hair
and tell me “You smell so good”.

The YOU
whose heart shattered
so audibly
each time I shed a tear.

The YOU
who sang sappy emo slow rock love songs
for my ears only,
because you knew I love them.

Where are you??

I don’t know who you are, but I’m with you.
Even if I wanted to pry myself away
from this train-wreck of emotions
I can’t.

You said you know
which buttons to press
so I’d turn into your lovely obedient wife.
So why don’t you just do it?

I don’t want to rebel.
I just want to happily comply.
Can’t you please
just make me go your way?

I want to be good for you,
be the perfect one
like the way you were for me.
What went wrong?

Fuck.
I hate wanting to better myself for someone else.
I hate feeling like I’m not worthy.
I hate missing you so badly.

And the worst
out of all this…
I hate loving someone this much.
I hate loving YOU so fucking much.

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