Blind.

I’m a person with few aspirations. One could call me shallow – in several aspects – or you could just say I’m not someone who dreams big. When I was a little girl, I had the typical dreams of growing up to be a star. You know, like how the Pussycat Dolls sang it. Then when I had my first puppy love, all that glitz and glamour made way for a blissful domestic life. Him and me, living on air, just staring into each others’ eyes all day long.

Yeah right.

I soon learnt the importance of money, and how virtually everything in life is linked to it. Money is not everything, but you’ll certainly be nothing without it. My domestic fairytale dream turned into one with a glamourous wedding, which was (obviously) not achieved to any extent. No fancy rock, no fancy proposal, no wedding dinner… well, you get the drift.

While there is a part of me that has come to terms with this – out of logical circumstances – there will obviously be a niggling regret for the rest of my life. You can’t just get married again. It’s not the same. It’s akin to losing your virginity twice; you’re only fooling yourself.

To sound totally maternal and unlike the person I thought I was, there was another dream I thought was a sure-win: To make babies with the man I love, and experience the marvels of pregnancy and labour.

While I had the pregnancy part almost down pat, the labour just didn’t happen; unless you term the 12-16 hours of non-progressing contractions as “labour”. I still wonder what it would feel like to give birth – really give birth – to a child through your own sheer might. Pity I will never have that chance again in this life.

So there goes two of my most realistic down-to-earth dreams ever. Which leaves me down to… nothing.

I recall how I used to dream of going abroad for my tertiary education; to experience life away from here for a good educational purpose. Obviously I no longer qualify as “youth” and it is virtually impossible to have the same kind of schooling life when you already have 2 children.

I’m trying to think of a time when I can say I was having the time of my life… I can’t. There isn’t any.

While right now may be the best that I’ve ever had, it has also brought along some regrets where there used to be none. There was not ONE single thing I regretted, until I was well on my way to where I am now. And now it is too late to undo those regrets.

I’m walking in the shadows with no aim nor purpose; a person with no dreams left.

He asked me, is it not my dream to watch the children grow up? Honestly, no. They will grow regardless whether I watch them or not. What I want is a dream that is about me, for me; a self-centred dream, if you could call it that. I could disappear today, come back 10 years later, and the children would still have become little people – with or without me. But my dreams… they’re the stuff that remains only as glorious images in my head unless I proactively try to turn them into reality. I have none now.

And I didn’t even realise it until I was overwhelmed with nothingness and crying silently onto my pillow.

Life doesn’t always go the way we wish for it to be, but does it really have to be this hard to get something you want? Either it is time for me to grow up, or time to see a psychiatrist.

I am, fortunately, still thankful for each breath I take and each day spent in the love I’m unconditionally given. All this is just me. Something is awfully wrong with me. And yet despite it, the ones who love me still do so. Thank you thank you, and thank you. Please hold my hand and pull through with me on this. Take my hand so that I may let go of the regrets; embrace me so that I may be reminded what it is like to not be secluded in myself. Help me. Because I just couldn’t bring the words out of my mouth.

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6 thoughts on “Blind.

  1. i love you no matter what.
    dreams are sign posts – indicators of how we see life as imperfections and the need for perfection, seen thru our eyes. nothing more.
    and as you’ve realised, dreams change.
    thru situations, thru every day demands, even thru love.
    yet, the only constant is the dreamer.
    and that is you.
    yes, it hurts when dreams die. yet without them dying, there will be no place for new dreams to appear.
    hang in there, my glorious niece of two gorgerous boys.
    look around, see the beauty you’ve created.
    then look further and see the what truly brings you joy.
    and there, you will find the dream that you are seeking for.
    till then, i am here.
    though far, yet pretty near.
    and as mentioned,
    i love you no matter what.

  2. oh
    and one more thing.
    it’s great that you air all these out.
    because, unknowingly, you have helped those who can’t find the words to acknowledge their own pains within.
    but the more important element is,

    there is nothing wrong with you. really

    nada. zip. zero.

    your journey into that zone of yours is something necessary, a gentle wake up call. Not to run away, not to give up. But to be aware. What we do with this newfound awareness will be the direction we take from here onwards.

    and plenty of pple are going thru what you’re going thru right now. with distractions in their lives, it might even be harder for them to realise the core unraveling within.

    the world is awakening to herself. as such, we are awakening to ourselves. and awakening brings forth deep and often-forgotten hurts, pains, dreams. so recognised them as such, old hurts that are taking up too much space.

    It’s time for spring cleaning.

    Trust me, alot of pple are doing just that right now. Just happens that you voiced it out so eloquently.

    and for that, I am proud to be related to you.

    xoxo

  3. awww… *hugs* i feel the same way too. I envy the people who can afford a tertiary education, without cares of payment etc. People who can do what the love, without submitting to the chains or restrains that we face. But yet, I know that if it had worked the way I had wished it would, I probably wouldn’t have met people such as you. 🙂

  4. Aww, honey, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just at the point your life where everything is feeling overwhelming and you are just uninspired for dreams. Things will work out. =)

  5. Hi Shell
    I havent been here for a long long time.

    Sorry to find you in such a mood. But eveyone has moods like this once in a while – me included.
    Sometimes I am jsut so fed-up with everything, I just want to walk out that door.

    But things will get better. There are good days and there are bad ones.
    So just hang on. Things will work out right eventually. {{HUGS}}

    shell says:
    Sorry you had to find me in such “mood”. 😦
    Yeah, there are truly good and bad times, but sometimes I get so caught up in a bad patch, I forget about the possible good that may come after it.

    Your friday jokes always perk me up though. Keep ’em coming, please!

  6. *BIG HUGS*

    I can’t exactly say I understand how you feel, although we both feel trapped in the different sense of the word… it’s really worlds apart for us… so I can sympathise but it’s hard to empathise, really.

    But whatever it is, you are one of the few that I regard as a true friend… so… my shoulder is yours, if you don’t mind bending down a bit. =)

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