After a few episodes of pure exasperation and being on the brink of giving up on this whole life I’m living, I’ve been putting the last two weeks on the back burner, just plainly figuring out what is so wrong with the life I’m having right now.
Logically, it would make no sense if I said my life sucked. I have fairly well-behaved boys, my husband gives me my way most of the time, and I lack nothing – a roof of our own, good general health, family bliss… Yet, it is something I constantly declare aloud because I just don’t feel it being any other way.
You may probably put it down to me being spoilt. Simply by not being able to have certain materialistic things in my life makes me scream about life being horrible, etc etc. Well, maybe. (Like I said, I’m still exploring my inner self, right?)
Isn’t it sad that when you should be the one who knows yourself the best, but yet you don’t? Ironically, it seems to take time to know yourself and to allow yourself the freedom to express your desires. And my desire, is simply to be able to live in music. Something I should have known more than two decades ago, yet it took me two weeks to figure out.
The realisation brought along with it tears.
I had recalled (fondly) how I threw all caution to the wind as I danced – on stage when I was in school, at Pitbull’s recent concert, even in the smoky confines of nightclubs. And all those wayward years I had thought I enjoyed the nightlife simply for the sake of being able to overindulge in drinking and smoking. Ha!
It also shed light on why I’m always wearing a stupid grin when I strum on my pathetic plastic guitar replica as I play Guitar Hero. Not because it’s really so goddamn fun, but because I was “making music” and living in it at that precise moment. (And also because my pristine piano-playing fingers can’t play a real guitar for shit. Calluses form and I refuse to let it become a permanent part of me just to play a stupid string instrument.)
It also made me understand why I would cry each time I saw a piano. As some of you might recall, I donated mine away to make space for Joshua when he was a wee bub crawling on the floor. I had never ceased being sad about it. I still haven’t. We kept talking about getting an electronic piano (ewww) to replace that one, but it just never materalised. Honestly, I don’t even know where we can put an electronic piano when it is already so much smaller than a full size wooden piano. But since we’re not even close to getting that now, why bother thinking about it?
So that’s my “life happiness” point 1: To live in music.
Well, at least that’s something. Now the question is: How to live it?