Dread.

While I watch with pride as Kee grows into a little boy of his own, I also constantly feel this sense of dread that he will one day no longer be the baby that I enjoy being with so much.

I love how cuddly he is, and his silly baby antics. His seemingly nonsensical babbling that is oh-so-mighty-cute, and the way he puts his head on my shoulders or chest when he wants to be babied. He is mommy’s boy, more so than Josh ever was.

I love how he shrieks “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!” in his high-pitched excited voice. And how he tries to mimic simple words in that cute baby voice.

I love how each time I walk by him, he never fails to shoot me a grin or double blink – his version of a wink – and how he would “Mamaaaaaaaaa” me until my heart melts. I love his flying kisses, and  the way he plays Boo by covering his eyes with his hands.

I won’t deny that I’ve never felt this way with Josh. I have no idea is it because Kee is simply more interactive, causing me to bond deeper with him, or is it because I am just plain biased. Or could it be the fact that I had breastfed Kee for an entire year. But I love this little boy to bits and I go out of my way to pacify him when the need arises. I even extend my limited patience beyond what I thought was possible, giving him diaper changes in the wee hours of the night after he does his ungodly hour poops and condoning him to wake up for milk during sleep hours. I’ll admit that these weren’t things that I allowed Joshua to pull off with me. I wouldn’t have given a damn (and I still don’t).

But truth be told, most of the family is biased and love Joshua more anyway – the in-laws, the relatives and friends. So I tend to shower Kee with more attention and love because no one else gives it to him. Everyone’s all over Joshua when they visit, and his the only one they bother with. You can always see the sad look in Kee’s eyes when he gets shoved aside, and that’s when he always comes crawling to mama for some lovin.

But one day, Keegan’s baby days will come to an end. When he will no longer want the same kind of love from me. And I dread that day so much, so much. 😦

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