(Just another) Big Stupid Mistake

Thanks to nana, I scored a free ticket to Day 1 of the Avalon At Large party. Yet I had decided not to go, because:

  • I would still have been going alone. A party’s no fun alone.
  • I had never been to Marina Bay Sands, have no idea how to get there, and was constantly told that getting there was very difficult due to road closure for F1
  • Not sure about the turn out. (If I was to party alone, then the crowd had better be jumping.)
  • No idea how much drinks would cost there
  • I’ve been getting sleepy by midnight everyday and am honest-to-God tired
  • Hubs was sick
  • Tons of work

Hubs offered to drive me there so I wouldn’t get lost, but when the house fell silent after the kids were deep asleep, he didn’t mention it anymore. Yes, it is (strangely) not in my blood to ask for stuff from people. If someone offers me something, then they should still be offering it later without my prompting. Also, he’s down with flu and it would seem somewhat over the line if I was to make him drive me there and possibly to pick me up again later. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to, it just means I have difficulty in bringing it up. Which I often feel great discontent towards later on, but can’t blame anyone but myself for not having brought it up earlier.

Sometimes I really hate myself.

As predicted, I started nodding off in the living room by midnight. So I went to bed, fell asleep almost instantaneously, and had the longest strangest dream that pissed me off big time.

I dreamt that because I didn’t want to go to the party alone, Hubs bought tickets to go in with me. He started hanging out with a bunch of his mates (Mr Cizarre Zonk was the only face I recognised) and they ignored me entirely. Which got me quite upset, naturally. So I was there watching them having fun in a group while I was standing on the sidelines feeling sorry for myself and having no one to party with to the awesome music.

This scene went on for the longest time – as I watched them drink merrily and dance near their VIP table – until finally I went up to Hubs and told him:”Hey, why aren’t you playing with me? You said you came in here to keep me company but you end up hanging out with your friends.” To which he got angry, and slapped me in front of everyone. And in the dream, I had deeply regretted going to the party at all and suffering through that.

Strangely, when I woke up, I had really really wanted to go to the party – a total opposite of how I felt when I was dreaming. But it was already 6am, and the party would have been over. So… I started bawling my eyes out.

It’s 6.55am now and I still feel like crying. My stomach is tied up in knots and I am SO mad pissed with myself for making that stupid decision of not going.

I have missed Major Lazer, Diplo and Flo Rida. And I have missed my one chance to a great party which I could have gone for free. 😦

I really really hate myself now, right alongside with “why do I not have friends who wanna party with me”, “omg I hate my boring existence” and “why do the things I really want always screw up on me”.

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