Monologue to self.

I realise there is still some use for a personal blog after all. Besides recording down events/feelings one might want to peruse in future, it’s the perfect spot to talk to yourself. Which brings me to the reason why I’m here today. 

I wonder if there is something I’m not seeing or understanding because right now, there are 2 camps of people around me: the “omg you must be so happy you’re having a girl” and the “omg you’re having a 3rd kid?!” Now, while I find it incredulous that there are people who are SO SHOCKED with the idea of having three kids, I have to clarify that while we had always planned for 5 (or maybe just 4) kids all in all, they were meant to be conceived when we were ready for them. Which means that #3 isn’t meant to be “in place” until Josh turns 8 in year 2015. Then maybe #4 would come in 2018 or something. And despite that stretched out long-term plan, I would still have had all my kids before I turn 35! 

But as God had warned me, #3 (aka baby girl Lisa) showed up on her own accord – unplanned and unprepared for – just when things were going as scheduled and everyone was getting along comfortably. 

So pray tell, how does one “feel excited” about a lifetime commitment that one wasn’t even ready for?! It doesn’t even matter whether it’s a boy or girl, this baby just wasn’t meant to be here at this time. But when God says it’s time, IT’S TIME. (And He had better give me lots of strength, courage, patience, wisdom, and the whole shebang to accompany His gift.)

Yes, I love having sons but I don’t hate the idea of having daughters. Yes, I love children (who are not brats) but I don’t miss being pregnant yet. Maybe give me a couple more years and I might just yearn for a burgeoning belly, the fun of waddling and the heaps of shit newborns churn out daily. But that time is just NOT NOW. There’s nothing exciting about this journey for me at all. If I could do without the pregnancy and just get the baby, yeah I think I would opt for that. (Except it means we get no time to prepare for her arrival, but that’s another issue.)

So pardon me if I’m not feeling excitable about expecting a child. Pardon me if I feel like crap and am inconsolable despite it “being the first girl!!!” and how much pink shit I can buy because of that. Pardon me if being pregnant just feels like being crappily pregnant and pretty much nothing else. Pardon me if I continue to refuse wearing tents and ill-fitting outfits just because I should “make do” for this “short period of 9 months”.

If you’d like to be excited about having a baby, go have one yourself. If you like to “make do”, go put yourself in some unprepared situation. I’m entitled to feel whatever I feel, and right now, it’s just feeling plain crap. 

Thank God for a wonderful husband who isn’t a low-EQ fucktard when it comes to shit like this. And thank God for the abundance to ease whatever little turds we may stumble on during this unprepared journey. Come morning, may God shine His Light onto my dark depressed soul and take away all this crappiness. Bestow your Joy upon me because, oh God, I need it so badly when it comes to feeling pregnant.

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