A friend – Marianne – reminded me about writing down my thoughts so I could “rearrange” them. Problem is, I’ve got so much shit in my head that I don’t even know where to start. Cutting out the issues I have with the unplanned pregnancy, going through with my 3rd C-section and body image issues, the rest are just… all over the place.
I only know I’ve never felt this lonely in all of my married life before. All 7.5 years of it.
Have you ever been hugged and felt that it was… empty? No warmth, no joy. Like it’s not even happening except it is? I’ve been feeling that for almost a week now. It’s like he’s there but he’s not really there. I don’t even know how to explain it.
And the whole reason I went to bed and woke up at 4am – sobbing uncontrollably – is because I had a vivid dream of him hitting me. All the anger, the rage. Yet I was – and still am – seething with anger on every hit he made on me. And ironically when I tried to wake him, he yelled at me for crying and turned over and fell back asleep! So much for “I love you very very much”. Words; so easy to speak yet they could just mean nothing at the end of the day.
I feel I need an emergency appointment with the shrink. PRONTO. Maybe the only way to make someone care and listen to what you have to say is when you pay for it. At least, he gave me more attention in that one hour session than anyone else has given me to me in months. It’s sad, but true. I only wish it didn’t cost $200 a pop just to be heard and paid attention to.