Blessed.

I had an enjoyable weekend getaway with the bestie, where we ate and shopped. (She shopped a lot more.)

But unfortunately I came down with some bug that has induced a cough and funny nose, So the husband made 鸡丝鲍贝粥 for me while I vegetated and spent time with the kids. Then I slept 12 hours straight from 7pm to 7am. 😆

After sending the boys off to school, I slept another 4 hours.

And then after noticing how much dust had collected on the floors over the weekend, I asked Josh if I should be cleaning house. He said: “But you’re not feeling well! Maybe tomorrow lah.”

Life is so kind to me.

Redemption

When given a chance at redemption, he calls me two hours later announcing that he’s got nothing for me.

If such little effort is going to be put in, then maybe he should have:
a) not screwed up in the first place
b) not accepted the shot at redemption and immediately accept any punishment mete out
c) really just NOT screw up in the first place

I really wonder how it can even be humanely possible for me to remain hopeful when he’s proven time and again to be so hopeless. Even when it happens on pretty much a daily basis. (Definitely not exaggerating here.)

Maybe I’m just stupidly naive even beyond my own imagination.

 

Letters.

I wrote to him on 9th April 2011. Today, on 28th March 2012 – almost a year later – I am writing another letter with the same context.

It’s shocking, but I think we’ve really been stuck in the same vicious cycle for the last 5 years with no signs of improvement. Worse, I think the situation has only gotten more desperate.

Don’t let us fool you into thinking we’re almost-perfect just because we’re mostly “in sync” and are expecting our 3rd child. We’re far from being the couple we wish we were, and I’m really starting to believe we never will be.

Sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

 

Almost 7.

Maybe I was never shown nor taught the right thing from a young age, but now that I have almost everything it suddenly becomes clear what is priceless.

Not the diamond ring I never got.
Not the lavish wedding reception we didn’t have.
Not the gifts you couldn’t afford to get.

What I now find invaluable and precious would have made me scoff at its insignificance years ago:

How you force your eyes open despite tiredness to give me a massage.
How you voluntarily take on more than you should just to make sure I live comfortably.
How you tell me that loving me is your privilege when I mostly feel nothing more than a leech growing little leeches within me.

I only wish for you to know how wonderful you have been to me, and how privileged I am to have you.

While I used to like change so that things will always stay fresh and exciting, you have been the one constant in my life – never forsaking me. And you are the one constant that I wish to always have in my life.

I love you.

Just My Somebody.

Only as I was eating a cold dinner on my lonesome at 10pm that I realised what having somebody special truly means: To know that he will come home to me and share my airspace. 🙂

And I guess that’s just what (most) domesticated couples with commitments do – simply sharing airspace and being within sight. You know I’ve got your back, and I know you’ve got mine.

I remember when he recently returned from his back-to-back business trips, I had asked him: “What is it that you miss most about me?”
“Having coffee with you”, was his immediate reply.

It’s a bit of an odd thing to miss about someone you love, but it was how we had met and spent our dating days together. It’s the one thing that hasn’t changed through the 6.5 years we’ve been together, and I’m glad for it.

Maybe we will be adventurous and exciting together when we can afford the time, opportunity and money. But meanwhile, sweets, Bangkok remains as a dream.

Evolution.

I like running in the rain, holding hands with you.
I like feeling jealous over you.
More importantly, I like it when you get all jealous and protective and tell other guys to back off.
I love staying up with you til dawn, and then sleeping in until dusk.
I like the way you look at me when you pick me up for a date.
I love how you can make me blush.
I like living in today with you, and not thinking about what will happen tomorrow.
I secretly love the fact that you would kiss me deeply even after I throw my guts out after too many drinks.
I masochistically enjoy the uncertainty that I might lose you to someone else.
I loved how real it felt when you broke my heart into a gazillion little pieces. I swear my heart stopped beating for at least a split second.

What a pity being crazy in love has quietly matured into steadfast loyalty and predictable stability.

Or maybe I was the one who screwed it all up.

“And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We’ll both forget the breeze
Most of the time”
~ Damien Rice

Missing Daddy

With daddy away again – 4th trip this time round – Joshua claims he hasn’t been sleeping well. For the past two days, his usual cheerful morning grin was replaced by a grumpy face. When I asked him how was his sleep, the usual “I sleep well!” was replaced by “Not good. Is daddy coming back yet?”

When he got home yesterday, the first thing he said was: “Is daddy home yet?!”

And yet strangely, he seems to be the only one missing Hubs this time round. I guess after the previous trips, I am getting used to this.

Traits of an irritating wife

… made easier with WhatsApp.

Me: “Craving green curry!”
*no response*
*checks WhatsApp message status. Says it’s already read.*
Me: “Why you read liao nair reply!!!”
Him: “I pang sai need to clean my kah chng!”
Me: “So?!”
Him: “So no hands to reply lah!”
Him: “Later I try dabao green curry.”

Blackberry: Free from client
Whatsapp: On free trial for 3 months
Demanding wife irritating her hubby via abovementioned high tech tools: PRICELESS

Hiak hiak hiak.

 

Just like water.

People have always said the sad eventuality of all marriages is that it loses the spark and starts getting stale after a few years. And while the romantic in me refuses to believe in that, it is hard to overlook the fact that there has been marked reduction in passion and “sparks”. In exchange, what we get is an increased amount of stability (which can be easily mistaken for routine) and a decreased number of disagreements.

Sure, one could argue that there are less disagreements because neither one partner could be bothered to fight any more losing battles. But that’s hardly the case, given the fact that I’m not exactly someone who would swallow her feelings and not make it heard.

Somehow, kisses and hugs get replaced by a lazy “put my head on your shoulder while watching TV”, and “getting to know you” chats now mostly revolve around the daily humdrum of work and children. Being “madly in love” had quietly been replaced with “I love”.

My marriage is now akin to… a glass of water – bland, but 100% healthy and always guaranteed to quench a thirst.

I still haven’t figured out if it’s a bad thing or not, since this is my first (and hopefully only) marriage. Although I must admit I enjoy the stability and trust of it all – how there were zero doubts of him hooking up with some foreign chick while he was flying around for work. It was a state of paranoia that I could never shake off in my previous relationships and having 100% trust in him is so liberating.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want that spark back.

My attempts to bring back the “zing” brought me solutions such as taking a second honeymoon, dumping the kids somewhere while we “reconnect and rediscover” each other. Unfortunately, that solution holds no ground in my world. A couple weeks back, I was discussing with airpork about getting a room in a scenic local hotel for a romantic night away, and we were happily planning until something hit her and she said: “Ooi, then your boys how?!”

Hmm. Good question. I have no idea either. Needless to say, the plans have been shelved.

While I continue to pride myself on being presentable (and hopefully attractive) for the Hubs, I realise it probably isn’t enough to keep the attention level high. Not with 2 kids running amok in the house screaming at each other, depleting our energy and interest levels.

You know, in a warped way, maybe we just need to have a big huge fight to spice things up a bit. Except… there’s nothing much to fight about. Everything’s just going so well.

Women – difficult species to please.