The illusive L-word

if love is
waking up from a bad dream and having someone beside you to provide comfort
feeling insecure and having that someone reassure you
knowing someone cares how you feel — no matter it be pretty or ugly

then I’m very sure there is love between me and the firstborn
but not so much between me and his father

 

Coughing out my thoughts

A friend – Marianne – reminded me about writing down my thoughts so I could “rearrange” them. Problem is, I’ve got so much shit in my head that I don’t even know where to start. Cutting out the issues I have with the unplanned pregnancy, going through with my 3rd C-section and body image issues, the rest are just… all over the place.

I only know I’ve never felt this lonely in all of my married life before. All 7.5 years of it.

Have you ever been hugged and felt that it was… empty? No warmth, no joy. Like it’s not even happening except it is? I’ve been feeling that for almost a week now. It’s like he’s there but he’s not really there. I don’t even know how to explain it.

And the whole reason I went to bed and woke up at 4am – sobbing uncontrollably – is because I had a vivid dream of him hitting me. All the anger, the rage. Yet I was – and still am – seething with anger on every hit he made on me. And ironically when I tried to wake him, he yelled at me for crying and turned over and fell back asleep! So much for “I love you very very much”. Words; so easy to speak yet they could just mean nothing at the end of the day.

I feel I need an emergency appointment with the shrink. PRONTO. Maybe the only way to make someone care and listen to what you have to say is when you pay for it. At least, he gave me more attention in that one hour session than anyone else has given me to me in months. It’s sad, but true. I only wish it didn’t cost $200 a pop just to be heard and paid attention to.

 

SAHM

Whoever came up with the term “stay at home mom” certainly knew what the hell he/she was saying. As a caregiver of your own children, you really do have to stay at home a lot – either due to commitments or tiredness – and in my case, it seems almost every attempt to be out without children will somehow get botched by something. Or rather, someone.

One or more of the kids will develop some sort of condition which will require me to be around; causing the need to cancel whatever prior appointment I’ve made to escape being “just a mom” for a few hours.

Sometimes I really wonder if there’s ever an end to this.

Which makes me wonder too: Did my mother refuse to be my caregiver because she did not want “stay at home” and be chained down?

This is possibly the worst occupation a woman could choose: No renumeration, no benefits and often not even a word of thanks. I just hope it will pay off eventually like the way it is starting to with Joshua.

God please grant me the virtue of wisdom and patience.

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Redemption

When given a chance at redemption, he calls me two hours later announcing that he’s got nothing for me.

If such little effort is going to be put in, then maybe he should have:
a) not screwed up in the first place
b) not accepted the shot at redemption and immediately accept any punishment mete out
c) really just NOT screw up in the first place

I really wonder how it can even be humanely possible for me to remain hopeful when he’s proven time and again to be so hopeless. Even when it happens on pretty much a daily basis. (Definitely not exaggerating here.)

Maybe I’m just stupidly naive even beyond my own imagination.

 

Expectations Extraordinaire

I have just realised why I find mothering such an emotionally tiring task: Because I expect a lot from my children. It’s not because I’m a kiasu “Tiger Mum” (though I’d admit I am somewhat inclined to behave so in some settings) but because I believe that my kids can achieve so much more.

Take for example an article I just read in the July issue of “Young Parents”. It was talking about encouraging kids aged 5 to 6 to be more independent in preparation for primary 1; for them to get dressed on their own, wash their hands, visit the loo themselves… Honestly I was quite appalled as I read it.

My soon-to-be 3 year old is getting dressed/undressed and making loo trips on his own – even being able to clean his own ass pretty decently. No one ever helps him wash his hands, we only need to help with him with the soap dispenser in the loo. (Even I have difficulty with the button at times.) And if no one is available to help, he is smart enough to wash his hands in the kitchen sink instead where we have hand soap in a pump dispenser that’s a lot easier to manage. I cannot imagine what life would be like if at the grand old age of 5, Josh is still unable to do such simple tasks. I’d most likely go berserk going around helping him with such menial tasks daily.

Is independence such a hard thing to foster in kids from a young age that it has to be specifically mentioned in articles as part of primary school preparation??

Damn, I’m even expecting my 1-month-old to fall asleep on her own! (Of which she does so beautifully most of the time.) All it takes is a feed to keep her full, 5 minutes of hugging and lullaby-singing, then I just lay her down while she’s still awake and tell her it’s time to sleep. Most of the time she stays awake for a few minutes – inspecting her surroundings – then falls asleep on her own with no fuss.

If my 1-month-old can go to sleep on her own, I don’t see why preschoolers can’t. And while having such “high expectations” on my children does do me in while I’m training them up for it, it’s for the benefit of everyone! Parents don’t get frazzled out having to literally babysit the kids, and the kids have a sense of well-being – emotionally and physically – as they’re not reliant on others to help with almost everything.

I have totally no clue how parents of dependent children cope. And in a way, I pity the kids for not being given chances to be more self-reliant. I guess most parents just don’t realise how important the lack of independence could potentially ruin a child for life…

 

 

Lisa’s idiosyncrasies

At three weeks old, this is basically what we’ve caught on:

• Likes being warm to the point that we constantly mistaken her for having fever. We’re talking about windows closed, fan off, wearing long sleeves and pants, and still wanting to be wrapped up in a blanket!
• She only sleeps well in 2 positions: tummy down in her cot (the small crib in our bedroom somehow doesn’t pass her test) or within a crevice “dug out” in the beanbag. The beanbag works best during the day. Oh, and she only likes to sleep in her room.
• Must be held for another 10 to 15 minutes after she’s done nursing. Regardless whether she’s awake or asleep, if you try to put her down to sleep immediately after a feed, the likelihood of her waking up within 15 minutes is as high as 80%. 
• Hates being dirty. HATE. She will scream as if someone just broke her arm.
• Ironically, she also hates being undressed but loves warm water baths. But as expected, starts screaming the moment she leaves the tub.

So far she behaves nothing like her brothers when they were newborns, but I think we’re slowly getting the hang of it. 

trash

I deleted the email I was composing, staring blankly at the words “undo discard” – an option Gmail so kindly offered me to change my mind for a second chance.

Problem was, I realise I don’t want another shot at this; I’m done giving chances.

You always know you’re done when you stop feeling anything. Emotions drained to the bone; left for dead. What a pity all that love wasn’t fed to a more worthy cause though.

Time to plan the “funeral”.