Death is too harsh a punishment.

While watching a short bit of “Alien VS Predator”…

Kee: Why the guy roll and roll?
Josh: He die already lah! The alien kill him!
Kee: Why kill the guy? He bad guy??
Josh: Because the guy burn the alien with fire mah! Make the alien angry, so take knife and kill the guy!
Kee: Ooooh. Then die (al)ready must roll and roll on the floor like that?
Josh: Only sometimes lah. Sometimes just lie there and never move already.
Me: Next time when you’re naughty, I’ll take the kitchen knife and kill you, then you see if you’ll roll around or not lor.
Kee: I DUNWAN!!!
Josh: Mom, just cane or smack us ok. No need to kill us with knife. Tsk.

 

Fake is better than none.

Kee: Mommy!! Can call daddy?
Me: No. Daddy is working.
Kee: It’s ok, korkor can help me call. *snorts in my face*

Kee: Korkor! I want you help call daddy!
Josh: Cannot lah. I’m eating and daddy is very busy today.
Kee: Whyyyyyyyyy?!? I want call daddy!
Josh: You go pretend lor. Take the toy phone, go pretend.

*Kee picks up toy phone, presses a few buttons, puts phone to ear*

“Hello? Daddy? I want you come back. Yah. Ok, bye!”

Triumphantly declares: “I call daddy (al)ready. You all naughty! Daddy come back cane you!”

Seriously?? WHATEVERRRRR.

Self serviced!

I can’t believe that my 33-month-old just executed a “big mission” on his own! I heard someone fiddling with a stepping stool, but didn’t think much of it until minutes later, Kee shouted: “I need help to clean! I poop!” Half thinking he had done it in his pants again like last week, I scurried to him only to find him standing outside the bathroom sans pants, his head covered in sweat. The child seat was on the toilet, with a stepping stool in front of it.

Proudly he announced with a grin: “See! All my poop inside the toilet!  See korkor, Kee Kee so clever now!” 

Oh yes, you’re clever alright. And you’re faring better than your brother did at this age!  I’m atrociously amazed that at 33 months, he had setup everything on his own and had a poop without anyone’s help – until he needed his bum cleaned anyway.

I wonder how old he’d be when he can clean his own ass… That’ll really be the day to really celebrate 100% toilet trained independence!

32 and a half.

At 34 weeks with Kee, I had gained a total of 9.3kg. But now at 32 (and a half) weeks with Lisa, I’ve already hit 82.3kg – making the total pregnancy gain a hefty 12.3kg! WHAT.THE.HELL. Hopefully the doc is right on the point that most of the weight being “water weight” since I don’t seem to have grown much anywhere except the belly. Though it isn’t hard to believe that bulk of the fat accumulation could just be in the middle…

I blame the constant hunger, leading to the more than occasional bad food choice (high carb, empty calories, the shizz) and the undying girly hormone-driven sweet tooth! Come to think of it, I had a major sweet tooth when expecting Josh, and now he’s a sugar crazy preschooler who can’t go a day without asking if he can have something sugar laden. Kee on the other hand isn’t as mad for sweets, though he does enjoy a candy every now and then. This might mean Lisa will have some serious fights with me over her daily sugar quota!

I really should get some photos taken of my HUGE belly at this point, because I have reason to believe it’s even larger than when I had Kee. Pfffft. Explains why I can’t find any tops that fit comfortably anymore. My burgeoning middle has even outgrown my maternity tops!!

Dear Lord, may all the weight fall off effortlessly postpartum so that I will not need to work out and count calories like mad just to pass my own standards. May all jiggly bits be toned up with minimal – or no – effort. AMEN!

 

Mama’s Pride and Joy

It has been a triumphant day for me as a mother! Despite my pregnancy ailments, I actually managed to make a dinner of nuggets and fries, and bake a batch of butter cookies on just three hours of sleep.

Granted, I would have skipped making the cookies because my lower legs are swollen so badly and the lower abdomen cramps kept coming all day long from Lisa’s (seemingly) nonstop growth spurts. But Josh is home no thanks to HFMD and he had wanted to spend some “quality time” together by going out. Given that we’ve already splashed out $160 at the doctor’s just over the past week – 1 inner ear inflammation and 2 cases of HFMD – I had to honestly tell Josh that we’re cash-strapped and there was nothing we could do even if we went out. Fortunately it wasn’t something hard for him to understand, so he suggested we make cookies “together” instead. (However he ended up mostly watching because he claimed it was such hard work.)

There were several highlights today that made me feel extremely blessed:

• When Kee woke up in the morning with a 100% dry diaper, smiled when I helped him brush his molars, went to pee in the potty urinal, and headed off to school sans diaper. And he said “I love you mommy. Bye!!” as the auntie helped him onto the school bus.
• When Josh was presented with 3 egg tarts for breakfast, and he gave the brightest cheeriest grin while saying: “Mommy, I love you so much! Thank you!” 
• When I wiped down the dining table and Josh said: “I like you mommy. Thank you for cleaning the table. You’re so nice, I want to give you a present.” It’s nice that he notices the little things I do, and how it all comes together to make our home more humane.
• When I read Kee’s communication book on how his first diaper-free schoolday went, and his teacher expressed that their anxiousness was unfounded as Kee was able to express himself with ample time to be accident-free. They did, however, make him wear a diaper for naptime because they are still cautious about his bladder abilities. I’ve replied to them via the comm book that it should not be cause for concern at all since he has been napping at home the whole week (for at least 2 hrs each time) without a single accident.
• When the boys did a happy dance and yelped as the butter cookies came out of the oven, saying: “Wow mommy! You’re so good!”
• When Kee exclaimed he was having “stomach pain” and ended up with a successful poop in the toilet! He did his first one on Sunday evening and if all goes well, it should become a daily habit.
• When I thought Kee was trying to be irritating when Josh was pooping, but in actual fact he was trying to brush his own teeth in preparation for bedtime! He started whining because he still can’t squeeze the toothpaste out onto his toothbrush. This little guy has a pretty amazing mind, because we didn’t even tell him to go brush his teeth yet! Josh usually brushes first, but I guess he figured since Josh was pooping, he might as well go first.
• When I walked in on Josh reading a bedtime story to Kee. Both of them were seated on Josh’s bed, and smart Josh had picked the book with the least words “My beak, your beak”. When I praised Josh for the nice act, he said: “Because you are so tired and your legs are so swollen and fat, so I read for didi lor.” *sigh* I simply couldn’t not read to them after hearing that.

Thank you God, for blessing my day with so much maternal joy. These 2 boys are so lovely at times, it almost feels like a privilege to be their mother. On other days… oh well, let’s not talk about those today. :p

Letters.

I wrote to him on 9th April 2011. Today, on 28th March 2012 – almost a year later – I am writing another letter with the same context.

It’s shocking, but I think we’ve really been stuck in the same vicious cycle for the last 5 years with no signs of improvement. Worse, I think the situation has only gotten more desperate.

Don’t let us fool you into thinking we’re almost-perfect just because we’re mostly “in sync” and are expecting our 3rd child. We’re far from being the couple we wish we were, and I’m really starting to believe we never will be.

Sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

 

Fix

Maybe if I keep reading this over and over again, it might sink into my thick skull.

Q. I’m scheduled to have a cesarean section. I know that in my situation it’s best for my baby, but I’m disappointed. I wanted so much to have a natural birth. Besides, I’m scared of surgery.

A. It’s normal to feel disappointed when the birth you hoped for will not be the birth you get, but the end result will be the same: you’ll see your baby! A healthy baby is your main goal, even if you will need some technological help. You have grown this baby inside of you. He or she will be your most important accomplishment; regardless of what route this special little person takes to get here.

All the natural childbirth information that is now available to women is great, yet it does set women up to feel like failures if they have to have surgery. Remember that a hundred years ago surgical birth was not a safe option, and be thankful that your cesarean will help ensure your baby’s health. It’s nice that you know about the surgery ahead of time so you can cope with the change of plans and not fight disappointment at the time of birth. You can also plan ahead and make the birth a positive experience for you and your baby. It takes maturity and a willingness to set aside your own desires to make the best of this situation. Having your baby surgically will be no less of an accomplishment than having a natural birth.

Excerpt from here.

Or maybe I will just come to terms with the fact that if I was pregnant a hundred years ago, I would probably have died during labour?
Or maybe I will just accept the fact that my cervix is incompetent and a freak of nature for failing to do its natural-born duty.
I should have just avoided that very first C-section at all costs to begin with, then I wouldn’t even have to be in this fix now.

 

DAD vs MOM

In response to Kee playing with the flashlight:

Dad: “If you play with the flashlight, I will keep it because it’s not a toy.”
Mom: “Don’t play with the flashlight, if not later when you need it, the batteries won’t have any more power.”

I would assume the boys listen to me because I make more sense?

 

Unheard.

You know it’s kinda dismal when nobody understands how you feel, and everyone tells you “it’s just hormones” or “it’ll pass”. Well, it’s been 5 months now – first month notwithstanding since I found out I was pregnant 5 weeks into it – and let me tell you that it hasn’t “passed”.

It constantly seems like I’m exchanging one set of problems for another set. Who doesn’t go through that, right? Except I’m exchanging into sets of problems that I don’t even want to be in the first place. (Ok fine that happens to bulk of us too.)

I’m trying my darndest to get my psyche in tune with all this; to psych myself up for it and “grow up” and “go with the flow” and all that positive shebang but it’s just.not.working.

Maybe I just need another POV on this. Like maybe, Hubs’ POV on wanting a daughter to call his own; a child who is attached to him and loves him unconditionally like the way the boys love me.

Yeah. Maybe he just needs to keep telling me that this baby is for him. So I’ll do it for him since I’m obviously failing at doing it for myself.

Damn I hate unplanned pregnancies.

effed.

I think it’s kinda fucked up when you make plans for months and years, waiting for the ultimate “cash in” when suddenly life takes a turn and screws you over.

Here’s the shit that was supposed to happen but won’t be anymore because of UBD (Unplanned Baby Drama):

• A piano after we move into a bigger place. Which is where we’re at now but no longer have the space, convenience or moolah to get it. I’ve waited 4 years for this one, so it’s right on top of my list.
  This one makes me cry all the time and it has been that way since pre-pregnancy.
• A trip to USS sans children. Being pregnant defeats going there since I won’t be allowed on any “thrilling” rides. Next approximate opportunity window: June 2013, likely later. -_-
  This one makes me scream in frustration, particularly because I kept telling the old man that we should go go go, then he always says later later later. Until now… good lor, cannot go liao.
• Family trip to HK or BKK (again). Technically still doable, logistically screwed up bring 1 baby and 2 small children, not to mention more costly and a lot more considerations when planning the itinerary.

Yes, I’m having one of those I-am-whiny-and-hate-my-life days.